Lost in the middle?

Do you ever feel like you are lost in the middle of your friends. Call me paranoid but sometimes I think I'm not respected by my peers. Some of whom I am older than mind you. I try to be part of things but it seems the conversations always hush when I am around than it's awkward and silent till I leave. Others just don't bother calling me EVER. I make great efforts to leave comments and stay in touch for no reaction whatsoever. For the longest time I only had a few friends my age (being a youth leader and all), and I wasn't surprised when I was left out of certain parties and or conversations. Now I have a pretty good core group of friends (at least I think we're friends) around my age and things haven't changed all that much. I just don't know where my place is right now; I'm older but I'm not looked to by those younger, and the older seem to look way down on me. Now I know in some ways like school and work my experience is lacking but damn it I have been through a lot of crap and I don't know what it all means. Sure I've never had a 9 to 5 but I've had a plenty of 40 + hour weeks. My degree might not be finished but I have enough college credits to fill a small book. I may not have gone to seminary but I have been working and or volunteering at churches for upwards of 15 years, yet with as many Bible studies I've written and sermons I've given, sometimes in my small group at church I feel like a dumb kid in the back of the room who people stare at.

Maybe this is all in my head. Maybe I'm looking for things to pick at. I know I do that sometimes and I hope I'm not ruining my own chances at having real friends. I pray about this a lot and I know God's got my back but I wish there was a person I felt comfortable talking to about this. But too many times I catch myself trying to fill those awkward silences with my own stories and issues thinking the other people in the room must just want me to shut up. Again I sit alone in my room wondering where I am supposed to be. I think God has placed me where I am and I trying listen to his direction but I just don't know what to do. I'm gonna take a walk maybe to cold air will clear my mind.

Sucks to be Sick

So the week before I moved to this place I had a cold. It took my voice and had me coughing like a fiend. That lasted two weeks. Right as it was fading I caught another bug a virus which had me coughing again and my nose icthing. Two weeks later as that fades I get this crazy infection that is too gross to go into detail but it sucks. And of course as that fades I pick up a bout of tonsillitis.

All I want for X-mas is to be healthy. Speaking of X-mas I have no idea what my plans are. I figure some home time and some family time but I don't know what order those will fall in.

I've been keeping up with the news mainly through Rush, I have also peeked at foxnews on more than a few occasions (which I know I had all but given up on) but my Internet time is limited by my job and the fact that I can't get either my laptop or my wireless router to work. I'm not gonna get into politics, while there is a lot happening and plenty to talk about if you have been following my post I am keeping the politics to a minimum. At least to finish off the year. Next year brings a new president that I prolly won't be able to not talk about (yes I am aware of my double negative).

So if you're the prayin type pray for my health and if you need some of my prayer time just shoot me a comment or myspace message or even an e-mail. theexpertsmail@gmail.com

Stress and Christmas

I am too stressed to talk politics so here's a cross-section of my brain right now.

So here we are just a few weeks till x-mas and I am feeling the holiday stress in full force. My Grandmother came out from New York to visit before Thanksgiving and that was the beginning of stress central. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a normal family, but where is the fun in that? Not having a job still eats at me on a regular basis, while what I am doing now has me out of the house and is quite fulfilling it is not a paying job and can only fill my basic needs.

I find myself in a weird rut, I am pretty happy in my current situation but there is still that nagging feeling that I am 30 and still haven't found a real direction or purpose for my existence I am doing my best to put it in God's hands and wait for his signal but oh is it hard. I just hope I didn't miss the train...

New Diggs

OK, so I moved, not out of Victorville unfortunately but it is a change in scenery. I am just getting settled so posting may be slim for a week or two but I promise I will be back before the year ends. I know there is plenty to write about. Obama being a given...

We have a winner!

And it's not who I wanted. But it's over and I'm not gonna piss and moan about it. I am however going to watch closely and hope President Elect Obama makes good choices. Now I know that's not likely to happen but we have to keep moving forward. Part of being American is having a hope for the future, I know that's one of Obama's buzz words but the idea of hope in America is much older than Obama. We are still a light on a hill. It may dim a little over the next 4 years but I believe America will live on and we will still be an example for the world. So take a deep breath and lets keep truckin.

Black Out

So I have been on a news black out for almost a week and I have to say... IT'S GREAT. I know it won't last but not hearing Obama whine or McCain say "my friends" has really given me time to sleep, read, catch up with old friends and spend time with new ones. Not to mention I am just happier. So come Wednesday morning when I pop on Rush I am gonna limit my politics time. Too much makes you crazy and as you can see in my last post I have enough stress in my life as is. Plus (lemme say sorry ahead of time) I prefer spending time with real people (no offence). I'm still gonna post here often as I can, but you are gonna see less politics and more real life.

If you've never done a politics black out you should try it. It will make you appreciate things more and give you clear in-site on how to deal with them. I'm still voting McCain but I won't need to drink before I do it now. Not that I am any more comfortable with the idea of voting for a RINO but he's better than the alternative and that's the best we can hope for right now!

my.life.net

So things have been crazy in my neck of the dirt, to say the least. I've been following politics (of course) and this election is getting real old, real fast. I'm at the point where I am not gonna think about it anymore till the big day. Than I will have a couple drinks and go pull the lever for McCain. Now if you go back in this blog I am sure you will find some post where I was very un-kind to McCain. I have not changed my mind I just can't risk an Obama presidency. Not like my vote matters since I'm in CA and the state will undoubtedly go to BO.

My sister has been diagnosed with a very serious disease and we are going to get a second and probably third opinion. I'm not gonna get into any more detail than that right now but I would appreciate any prayers you could send her way.

My Bible study is homeless right now and might fall apart completely thanks to an A-hole who happened to be the x-husband of the woman's house where we met. When I showed up last Tuesday for Bible study his car was there and their kids were down stairs looking upset while watching cartoons. Probably lucky for me another guy showed up at the same time and we sat down and were surprised by x-hubby and a crying friend coming down the stairs. He told us her friend had died and that's why she was upset, but it was plain as day he was lying through his jerk teeth. Long story short he was arrested later that night for domestic abuse and I might end up in court testifying against him. Oh, and my Bible study is homeless because he made bail and my poor friend has gone into hiding.

Lastly I still can't find a job. I have applied all over the high desert, everywhere from drugstores to Churches. Hundreds of places, literally! Most if the time I don't even get an interview and when I do I always think I nailed it and am a shoe in. Than nothing... I call them and I get the excuse of the day. Bottom line I gotta get out of this desert. The catch 22 of all catch 22's is I can't do it without money and I can't get a job up here, so I am for lack of a better term SCREWED!