Wednesday, December 24, 2008

A thought before Christmas...

Watching the news is gearing me up for next year, Obama has a BIG whole to fill, while I fully acknowledge Bush put us in this hole, the great O doesn't seem to have a clue. Let's hope I'm wrong and O brings change... slim chance I know. But that's for next year.

As most of you know I recently moved (see a few post ago). It's taken a bit but I have finally settled in and feel like I'm home. I've had longs talks with my housemate and things are falling into place perfectly. Not to say I don't feel a little stir crazy now and than but I've never been to the point where I didn't really want to be here. The boys can be wild, but I feel like God has put me in their lives to help guide them down the right path and I'm not one to argue with the creator of the universe. I can help steer them down the right path and do my best to fill in the gaps left by a certain irresponsible parent. While their mom is more than capable and my position is little more than glorified babysitter the right male influence is important and I'm gonna do my best to help these kids the same way my stepfather did for me. In return I get more than a roof over my head, I get a accountability partner which I haven't had up here in the desert, something painfully clear by my decisions over the last 3 years. This alone is worth my time.

So it's Christmas eve and it's looking to snow again. A sign of renewal as everything is covered in clean pure white. On the night we celebrate the birth of Jesus I think snow is fitting more than just for x-mas but as a sign that the last 3 years are covered, with a clean slate I can move into the new year happy and thankful for what God has done for me.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Lost in the middle?

Do you ever feel like you are lost in the middle of your friends. Call me paranoid but sometimes I think I'm not respected by my peers. Some of whom I am older than mind you. I try to be part of things but it seems the conversations always hush when I am around than it's awkward and silent till I leave. Others just don't bother calling me EVER. I make great efforts to leave comments and stay in touch for no reaction whatsoever. For the longest time I only had a few friends my age (being a youth leader and all), and I wasn't surprised when I was left out of certain parties and or conversations. Now I have a pretty good core group of friends (at least I think we're friends) around my age and things haven't changed all that much. I just don't know where my place is right now; I'm older but I'm not looked to by those younger, and the older seem to look way down on me. Now I know in some ways like school and work my experience is lacking but damn it I have been through a lot of crap and I don't know what it all means. Sure I've never had a 9 to 5 but I've had a plenty of 40 + hour weeks. My degree might not be finished but I have enough college credits to fill a small book. I may not have gone to seminary but I have been working and or volunteering at churches for upwards of 15 years, yet with as many Bible studies I've written and sermons I've given, sometimes in my small group at church I feel like a dumb kid in the back of the room who people stare at.

Maybe this is all in my head. Maybe I'm looking for things to pick at. I know I do that sometimes and I hope I'm not ruining my own chances at having real friends. I pray about this a lot and I know God's got my back but I wish there was a person I felt comfortable talking to about this. But too many times I catch myself trying to fill those awkward silences with my own stories and issues thinking the other people in the room must just want me to shut up. Again I sit alone in my room wondering where I am supposed to be. I think God has placed me where I am and I trying listen to his direction but I just don't know what to do. I'm gonna take a walk maybe to cold air will clear my mind.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Sucks to be Sick

So the week before I moved to this place I had a cold. It took my voice and had me coughing like a fiend. That lasted two weeks. Right as it was fading I caught another bug a virus which had me coughing again and my nose icthing. Two weeks later as that fades I get this crazy infection that is too gross to go into detail but it sucks. And of course as that fades I pick up a bout of tonsillitis.

All I want for X-mas is to be healthy. Speaking of X-mas I have no idea what my plans are. I figure some home time and some family time but I don't know what order those will fall in.

I've been keeping up with the news mainly through Rush, I have also peeked at foxnews on more than a few occasions (which I know I had all but given up on) but my Internet time is limited by my job and the fact that I can't get either my laptop or my wireless router to work. I'm not gonna get into politics, while there is a lot happening and plenty to talk about if you have been following my post I am keeping the politics to a minimum. At least to finish off the year. Next year brings a new president that I prolly won't be able to not talk about (yes I am aware of my double negative).

So if you're the prayin type pray for my health and if you need some of my prayer time just shoot me a comment or myspace message or even an e-mail.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Stress and Christmas

I am too stressed to talk politics so here's a cross-section of my brain right now.

So here we are just a few weeks till x-mas and I am feeling the holiday stress in full force. My Grandmother came out from New York to visit before Thanksgiving and that was the beginning of stress central. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a normal family, but where is the fun in that? Not having a job still eats at me on a regular basis, while what I am doing now has me out of the house and is quite fulfilling it is not a paying job and can only fill my basic needs.

I find myself in a weird rut, I am pretty happy in my current situation but there is still that nagging feeling that I am 30 and still haven't found a real direction or purpose for my existence I am doing my best to put it in God's hands and wait for his signal but oh is it hard. I just hope I didn't miss the train...