Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Lost in the middle?

Do you ever feel like you are lost in the middle of your friends. Call me paranoid but sometimes I think I'm not respected by my peers. Some of whom I am older than mind you. I try to be part of things but it seems the conversations always hush when I am around than it's awkward and silent till I leave. Others just don't bother calling me EVER. I make great efforts to leave comments and stay in touch for no reaction whatsoever. For the longest time I only had a few friends my age (being a youth leader and all), and I wasn't surprised when I was left out of certain parties and or conversations. Now I have a pretty good core group of friends (at least I think we're friends) around my age and things haven't changed all that much. I just don't know where my place is right now; I'm older but I'm not looked to by those younger, and the older seem to look way down on me. Now I know in some ways like school and work my experience is lacking but damn it I have been through a lot of crap and I don't know what it all means. Sure I've never had a 9 to 5 but I've had a plenty of 40 + hour weeks. My degree might not be finished but I have enough college credits to fill a small book. I may not have gone to seminary but I have been working and or volunteering at churches for upwards of 15 years, yet with as many Bible studies I've written and sermons I've given, sometimes in my small group at church I feel like a dumb kid in the back of the room who people stare at.

Maybe this is all in my head. Maybe I'm looking for things to pick at. I know I do that sometimes and I hope I'm not ruining my own chances at having real friends. I pray about this a lot and I know God's got my back but I wish there was a person I felt comfortable talking to about this. But too many times I catch myself trying to fill those awkward silences with my own stories and issues thinking the other people in the room must just want me to shut up. Again I sit alone in my room wondering where I am supposed to be. I think God has placed me where I am and I trying listen to his direction but I just don't know what to do. I'm gonna take a walk maybe to cold air will clear my mind.

1 comment:

  1. I love when people just want me to shut up, makes me talk longer then I planed. Let it feed the dark side. They think I'm being bitter, but it's how I have my fun. The dark side rules!